It can't be morning already.

Rex is on a backward schedule. Just because he was in his crate for a while last night while we went out, he was up wanting to play all night long. He is still a bit rambunctious right now this morning. At 1am I got up with him because I thought he might have to pee. Nope. He was just restless.

He was barking at every sound last night. Finally, I conked out for a few hours on the couch. At one point, maybe 3am, he went into the bedroom and Sawyer ripped him a new one. I think it was about 5am when I took him into the room because I wanted the bed. That was smooth enough with Sawyer because I told him as he was growling under his breath upon our entry that if he did not chill the fuck out, he was going to jail.

I am awake enough for the moment, and yoga will certainly wake me up more, but I am going to crash sometime before 9pm at work today. I see it coming already.

I think I like it

So, adding that pic of Rex was easy enough. I think I might just like this new technology. Their directions are rather vague. I think to E, they might be more intuitive, and granted, I figured it out in less than 10 minutes, but the directions would not be enough for my dad, and certainly not for my mom. I just think they should be clear. I think I will do a pic of the day until I have it down.

Our newest pup...he just ate three cups of food for breakfast, which is more than our other two dogs eat in a day. Burp! (Excuse him please.) 

Pics?

trying to figure out the blogger pic software

Chaos and Insanity

Okay, so that title is maybe a little of an exaggeration.

This morning, E gets up, goes to walk, and then is home getting ready for work all before 7 am. As she goes out to leave, there is a Rottweiler puppy in her way.

She first tried to shoo him away, and rather than go away, he takes refuge under her car. She then got the hose in an effort to get him from under her car so she can go to work, but he is planted there firmly.

By this time, I have gotten up to see what the commotion is because Sawyer and Nola have begun the doggie symphony. They do this in the grandest fashion anytime there is a dog in their vision. Anywhere. It is most annoying with just a shred of comedy thrown in on the side.

I went outside and tried to call the pupps out from under the car but to no avail. I tried to explain to him that I was not the mean hose lady, and that it would be okay.

E then got a broom to most gently prod him from under her car, and I told her to go ahead and go to work as I kept him away from her car and then I would call animal control and be on my way shortly after.

I came into the house to look up the number for animal control, and before calling them thought I would take a shower. At this point I was still considering going about my day as planned. 930 yoga, then on to work 12-9.

Here is where the insanity comes in. I am in the shower, and it occurs to me that this dog might be fated to be in my (our) life. Perhaps he is supposed to be here with us. If I call animal control, he goes to the pound, and if not adopted in three days, he would be euthanised. Doesn't he at least deserve three days here, if he chooses us, by the end of which at the very least, we get him to a no kill shelter, or otherwise find him a good home?

I have a strong knowing that his good home is with us. Rex (when *did* he get a name???) is pretty much here to stay by this point.

Number for animal control in hand, I give E a call at work.

E: E speaking.
Me: So, how was the drive to work?
E: Fine. What's going on with that monster dog?(okay, so she did not call him that monster dog...)
Me: Well, now he is under my car.
E: Tell me...
Me: Just tell me I am crazy. Are we supposed to keep him, save him from the pound?
E: Did you see the size of his paws?
Me: I know. He is going to be big. A Rott...BIG...
E: See if he will come out for you and bring him some food and water...

I also explained to E that there was no doggie symphony going on. That was the weirdest part. Sawyer and Nola were sitting in the window, looking out at a strange dog in their yard, and they were wagging their tails with no endless symphony howling. It was a first.

So, earlier, when he was under her car, I said no to food, because I did not want to encourage him to hang around. I got him a dish of food and water and went outside to see if he would leave the safety of under my car. I sat the dishes down and then sat myself down a few feet away. As soon as I sat down, Rex came out to say hi. He took a drink and then came over and lay in my lap for some pets.

After we got acquainted, I decided to see if he would follow me into the back yard. If he was to stay, he needed to be socialized with Sawyer and Nola, and while I did not want to do that in the house, I did want some semblance of control over the situation. He followed me right into the yard and I went inside to get Nola on leash to join him. She is 10 pounds at most, so I knew there would be no issues. They got on famously in an instant.

Sawyer, however, has issues. Through all the snarling and growling, I see his tail is wagging, so I know it will be okay. Nola has been here more than a year, and they still play this little dominance game daily.

We have spent most of the morning out in the yard together just trying to adapt. I think it is I who have to adjust as they are all just following their instinctive natures. At the moment, Sawyer is laying here next to me and Nola is at the back door while Rex is out in the yard. I will not let him inside until after we get to the vet this afternoon. I am still somewhat amazed that Sawyer is being so accepting, and that he is quiet.

I even saw Rex try to get into the crate we have outside ready for bulk trash tomorrow. I guess we still have it for a reason.

New classes

This six week session of yoga, I decided I would be a yoga maniac and plan to attend all classes that crossed my schedule. The last six week session I made a commitment to attend three classes a week with consistency. One of the things I realized in doing this was that I was moving to another stage within my body and my ability.

Last week was the first of the new session and I mad it to 4 classes. This week, I think I will make it to 5. It really is a feeling of insanity, but I feel so good after class, and I think that the extra yoga is in part responsible for this new surge in my energy and sleep balance.

I suppose by the end of the six week session I might have other ideas, but the potential is there for something grand.

Coming soon to a newstand near you

The next issue of Emerald Pillows will be out during the next week. We took an informal hiatus and it seems we are back full force. I am feeling particularly motivated about it lately. We are changing it a little here and there, sort of refining the vision, and making it as full of content as possible. This might make the publication schedule a little less regular, but I think it will work nicely for what we are trying to accomplish. One of our friends is going to help us set it up as an official non-profit so we can apply for grants to make it something bigger than what we can afford. The extreme view of the grant side would be a big enough grant to make E and I paid employees of Lesbian Underground Press. But let's not spin this fantasy out of control quite yet.

It's all good.

not so bad

So, the previous two nights I got less than three hours. This makes last night's 5 hours seem an eternity. The gilded lining to be found is that I am not dragging ass and feeling the lack of sleep.

Today is day three for work and I am up rather early which means I might feel as if I have accomplished things today. It also means there is plenty of time to hit Starbucks on the way to work, as if that was ever an issue!

So maybe it wasn't the caffeine

I went to bed at 11 with E, had raucous-should-have-exhausted-me-into-sleep sex, and here I am wide fucking awake.

I have been working on EP, so all is not lost. In fact, this pattern of less sleep is how it was born in the first place, so it is portent of something good.

Sing it Chaka.

The eve of 2 a.m.

I guess that is when it is. What a fabulous rain storm I would have missed had I been asleep. I wonder if this is something other than the Pepsi. There are times when I am optimally functional on 4-5 hours sleep for months at a time. Could be this is the onset of one of those times. I consider this only because I have never felt this from Pepsi.

Not even the Mexican Pepsi, which I would definitely be overindulging in if I could freaking find it.

I have been contemplating profound thoughts lately, yet when I set out to journal them, they dissipate. Must need more brew time.

Make mine anything but Pepsi

I love me some Pepsi, yes I do.

Several years ago, the first time I ever really lost any quantity of weight, I did so by simply eliminating Pepsi from my diet. Actually, I went cold turkey and drank no beverage other than water, and a lot of it. If it was a liquid entering my body, it was water.

That sounds as if I gave up a lot, but the reality of it was that the only thing other than water that I drank at the time, was Pepsi. So in giving it up, I cut a six pack of sugar (or quite often, more) out of my day. In three months of water as the only beverage, I managed to lose about 30 pounds. This was my first conscious aha moment about my weight.

Currently, I have not been a Pepsiholic for several years. I have gained a sort of control over it and if I really want one, I have one. Occasionally, a six pack finds its way into my shopping cart, and when this happens I have no problem seeing it in the fridge, and still have it only when I really want one.

Tonight was such a night, and as I was also feeling somewhat salty crunchy, I went to KFC and got some Popcorn Chicken and a medium Pepsi.

That was at 9 pm.

I can distinctly remember saying in conversation to someone how even with all the Pepsi I used to drink, I never had a caffeine jolt from it.

Tonight, that changes.

I am feeling like the first time I had that black currant tea from Cost Plus at bedtime and was then up and pinging until 5 am and then up again at 7 am ready to take on the world.

Maybe I will have a productive day at work tomorrow.

Speaking of work, I have accepted a receptionist position at the salon. Unfortunately for the few clients I have managed to cultivate, this means I will no longer be doing hair. This still all hinges on the current receptionist and when she decides to leave, which is currently after Christmas.

I can still change my mind if I suddenly see a market boon, but the salon I am in has a high ethnic market, which means if you do not do African American hair, you do not build. I do AA hair, but not relaxers. It is a bit of a catch 22 in that if I did more relaxers, I would gain the comfort needed to do them with confidence, and this salon could afford that possibility. But, this salon has a client base who does not want white stylists. Yes, I have heard it first hand from clients on the phone as well as in the chair. Blatant discrimination, but nothing to be done about it. Except take the receptionist position.

It's all good.

Pretty painless

I went to a satellite branch of the tax assessor's office today to transfer the title of the jeep and also to renew the registration. $97.30 later, the deed is done. The registration itself was $53, there was a gift tax of $25, and the rest was administrative fees. As said in the title of this entry, it was a relatively painless process, and the jeep is officially mine.

If you are interested in following the transformation of the wasband;s jeep into my art car, you can follow on the Emerald Pillows website linked to the right. E has sanded and primed her hood, and mine is next.

Is it mine yet?

Today is the day of transferring the title to the Jeep.

Life is an adventure.

Shopping delight

We went to the mall today to get one last little present for my birthday. It is from Z Gallerie, and looks like this .

While at that end of the mall, we also went into J.Jill to drool a little over all the clothes we either cannot at the moment afford, or will never (or nor any time soon) be fitting us. For shits and grins,. I tried on a divine feeling sweater and what do you know, an XL, that is an XL in a regular sized grrly store, fit me. I was beyond amazed. If I did not have to renew my hair license, I would have bought it on the spot.

There was also a skirt there which was a good coordinating piece for my wardrobe and the sweater, but I managed great restraint.

Then, on the way out of the mall, we stopped at Lord & Taylor. They have an extensive plus size department, and carry several upscale designers I like. There was a lined suede blazer, rather fitted, so I looked to see if there was a 24 on the rack. Usually, at least in recent history, a 24 will fit, but be something less than flattering, tight on my upper arm, and offering little hope for movement or even ability to breathe.

The largest available was a 22. It fit as if it were tailored for me personally, even buttoned.

I want to go shopping!!!

And the title has been found

In a moment of wisdom, just before I was about to call the wasband to ask something of him, E called her son and asked if he remembered seeing the title to my jeep anywhere. She told him we were only calling because we were truly desperate.

He told her where he saw it, and that is precisely where it was.

Whew.

I am so glad I did not have to call the fallen king and ask him to get me a replacement. That would not have gone well as he misremembers a conversation we had in which he thought I agreed to pay for something which he said he would take care of. Voices were raised and the conclusion was me hanging up on him. Not the best note to end on if I have to ask something of him.

Yes, I have learned my lesson and I will consider beginning, again, to build a bridge. HJe just makes it rather difficult.

Most attractive

Sheild your eyes if you come knocking on my door. At the moment, because I am doing laundry and want to wash all my bras and sleeveless shirts, I am lounging and cleaning house in a tank bra. It is quite comfy, but it leaves little if anything to the imagination. And it makes quite the fashion statement paired with some shapeless yoga pants. But as I said, I am comfy.

I decided last week that it is better to do laundry on Monday, but yesterday, I was slugging, totally worn out from my birthday weekend. I woke up this morning at about 830 and went to yoga, so right now I feel very good. I just had a vision of someday actually wearing this yoga get up to yoga. That will be a moment to document, when I feel I look ok enough to wear this out in public.

And speaking of bras, I am at a point where I once again need to go buy new ones. I am not sure if I need to go smaller again, or if I need to just get new ones. The ones I am wearing are far from worn out and threadbare, but there is a bigness to them and it could just be that they are broken in. I might see if there is a way to adjust them which I had not considered.

Living life by following my intuition was the yoga assignment/suggestion today, which I mostly do anyway, so time to scoot.

928

I am sitting here trting to wwrap my mind around the fact that I have 928 songs on my Dell DJ, and space, supposedly, for 9000. This means I have a shitload of expansion room. I am at the tail end of ripping stuff I want on from our cd livbrary. There are a few songs that would not rip clean due to cd abuse, and I should have kept a running list, but I suppose the ones I really miss I can buy online.

Today shall be a slugg day I think as the birthday weekend was quite full and now I need to rest. And do laundry.

Out and about

I was awakened this morning by forty kisses for my fortieth birthday, from Nola, my MinPin.

It was about 8 AM and E told me she was going to walk and we were leaving the house by 10 AM. I did not know where we were going, but she said shorts and a sleeveless shirt or anything comfy was fine. We started out on Beltway 8 heading North and I knew then we were either going to Austin or to the races. As we ramped over to 290, I knew it was Austin.

Austin is just a two hour drive and it is something we have vowed to do more often. Our first stop is usually Dairy Queen on the way, but the love bugs were so bad on the windsheild, we had to stop at a service station to clean the glass with a squeegee. Dairy Wueen came about 15 minutes later.

Once in Austin, we headed straight to Book Woman. It is a feminist/women's book store and it has been there for about 25 years. It is always our first stop once we blow into Austin, and may it always exist. They have a used book section as well as a hefty lesbian selection.

I found two used books, All Good Women by Valerie Miner, and The Dog Collar Murders by Barbara Wilson. The Wilson book might give me a complete selection of her works and she is an author I really like. Her books always make me want to travel to the locale she is writing about.

Actually, I found three other books I would have liked, too, but I also wanted to get a Book Woman t-shirt, so I opted for just getting two books. I could have gotten more, but we are trying to be good to have more spending money on our Thanksgiving vacation.

I did not really do more than browse the new lesbian fiction because I did not want to be pouty and I know we will go back soon, maybe next month.

So I got two books, a t-shirt, and a new small silver hoop earring with rainbow rings (a nice combination of obvious and discreet), and I also got several new rainbow stickers for the car, which I officially decided today will become an art car. Buddha mobile. E also got a rainbow yin yang for her car and we got a rainbow collar for Nola which is about an inch wide. Flashy.

After we went to Book Woman, we went to Tesoros Trading Company (www.tesoros.com). It is an import store with a lot of artsy stuff, so much so that we were on visual overload. I got a lot of little things there, mostly mini Buddhas and stuff to use on my retablo and figures for my alter.

From Tesoros we headed to El Sol y La Luna, a lesbian owned Mexican restaurant. They offer free wifi and have art displayed on the walls gallery style. Nice.

I think we might make a trip every month or so to get better acquainted with the city.

Tomorrow, I have been informed, we leave at 545 AM to hit Galveston!!

The last day of my 39th year

Work today was steady and productive, not overwrought, not snlail slow. Perhaps this is a sign on the eve of my fortieth birthday that perhaps it will be a good year(workwise). Of course, 39 was a good year, so I am not complaining.

I got cards today from my mom, my pseudo-sissy Brenda, my neice Crystal and my friend CJ(who included a book with her card woohoo!!!). Many thanks to you all, though I cringe at the thought of my mom and Brenda reading this blog, therefore thanks to them is rather rhetorical. My mom's letter had a pic of my dad and a $50 check, always welcome, and the following text:

"Put 9-11 in the back of your mind and never forget.

But in the forfront of all your thinking know that on Sept. 11, 1964

a bundle of joy and delight brightened our door.

In your future always remember to put your many talents to good use for yourself and all womankind.
Love Mom--

P.S. I just was reading this over and it almost sounds like preaching. Or maybe I should get to work and
get that book started."

In the past year I sent my mother some pretty esoteric Zen type cards, and it would seem they have had some effect. I am in some sort of shock over this message. It is perhaps the most intimate thing ever expressed to me from my mother. And it only took 40 years!!

If only I knew then?

For the past few weeks, I have been having dreams of my life as it is now, in the setting of my home town and surroundings. It is rather disconcerting. I am positive I have no desires to live further north agair. The only way I would be able to live in Lake Placid again would be if I were to have substantial means. Money enough to have a driver in winter, and no need to have to face the elements unless I choose to.

The people I am still friendly with have been in these dreams as well as family members who live scattered around. It is certainly reminiscent of a family of choice. It feels like it means something, but that escapes me.

Houston Women's Festival

I just got an email with the lineup so far for this year's festival. (That's www.hwfestival.org since it seems I cannot make the link work) I think I really want to see the duo Zrazy from Ireland. Heard a lot about them but have never heard them. Last year, I was supposed to go with a friend who came for the weekend and it was rained out for the most part. It was some of the heaviest rain I have seen since moving to Houston, and it was also the first year for the festival to be at a downtown outdoor only location.

Trying, trying again.

Precisely why

I just put some Amy Grant on my Dell DJ. This is precisely why iy is a good thing for E and I to have hers and hers DJs.

Fickle?

Some weirdness is playing out in my head. Definitely deciding to do something then just as readily doing something completely different. It is something beyond wishy-washy. Beyond unfocused. Something akin to doing my own thing with the consequences falling as they may, yet also doing nothing at all.

I wish I could say it is merely following my path as it unfolds, but it feels as if there is a dense fog obscuring the way.

Simultaneous awareness...it's all good.

Regrets

I really hate that a voice mail from my wasband can make me feel like crap. The day before Connor went home, we had a conversation, in part about him needing glasses. My wasband said he would take care of it. I told him I had taken C to the eye Dr. and he had a copy of the prescription. I then told him I did not have the $$ to get him glasses, but that I could send half on my next payday. He said not to worry, he would take care of it. So today he says he is holding me to paying for the glasses in full as I said I would and that he will be calling me back and he is not letting this go. I am so sick of his crap. What part of having full custody dies he not understand?

This all gives me regrets that I sent Connor home. I should have kept him here. If he is talking to me in this manner, I can only presume he speaks to Connor in the same way. No one should have to be spoken to this way.

431 tracks and counting

Yes, we really like our Dell DJs. I am not sure how many songs E has on hers, but we developed a system so that we would not be ripping the same songs and thus duplicating each other's efforts. And if the system fails, oh well...

We went on Saturday to Surfside where our friends Beth and Irina had their commitment ceremony. They rented a beach house there which slept 28, so yes, it was quite comfy. Beth had told me it would take about an hour and a half to get threre, so for the six pm ceremony, we planned to leave at four. We could have gone down earlier during the day, but since we were staying overnight, we did not want to be there earlier to be drinking that much longer.

We were less than 5 miles from the place when traffic came to an abrupt stop. We saw fire and rescue vehicles passing us, and we could see ahead to where all the lights were flashing. After about twenty minutes, a trooper drove by and said "Hour wait, no way around."

We decided to go back down the road to find somewhere to have a beer for the wait. At Country Cafe, we shared an order of fries with ranch dressing. They were so good, we shared a second order, and all the while had three beers each. So much for not drinking early. This pretty much killed our hour wait, so we drove back toward Surfside.

We had already called Beth to tell her of the wait and that we would see her eventually.

We got almost as far as we had been initially, and traffic was diverted to the left where people were pulled off the side of the road waiting. There was some water where fish were jumping, and it was about seven by this time, so lovely twilight and cool enough with a breeze for the windows to be down. I could look out my window and see the emergency workers as they did their thing.

While watching the scene untangle, I managed to tangle my fingers up inder the leg of E's shorts and help her in her efforts to relax with the seat back and her eyes closed. Once my true point of meaning for the day was accomplished, I saw the fire truck leaving and told E to get turned around and in line at the light. About 10 minutes later, we were on our way. We arrived at the party at about eight thirty, and learned that yes, we had missed the ceremony, which we had already figured. Then I saw that everyone had already had cake so I thought we missed dinner, too. No, the caterers had been stuck in traffic, too. They did not arrive til around ten pm.

Three beers waiting in traffic, followed by three glasses of champagne and chocolate cake, followed eventualy be innumerable cups of Shiner Bock(still having a hard time rationalizing that I drank Shiner!), and finally some fajitas and more Shiner, at about one am we went to bed.

Somehow, we got the pull out couch in the living room, so when we were awake at 8, actually, I think E was awake way earlier, we decided to head home for some real sleep.

All in all, it was an adventure.

RRRiiiiiiiiiippp....

I feel as if all my time at the computer is currently spent ripping CDs. I suppose that is a good thing, but I do not think that I will ever be done. And in addition, E has ordered her own Dell DJ, so there might be some competition for the use of the computer once hers arrives. Well, not really. We share nicely.

I think the energy of the drama last week with a blog I had linked is finally gone. What a hostile woman she was. She was put out that I linked her but that I do not know her. It was bizarre. And she mistakes her hostility for wit. And she is majorly stuck in her ego. Must stop thinking less than charitable thoughts so the energy remains gone.

Time to meditate.

Alrighty

So finally, after trying a kajillion different free cd ripping devices, I , or rather E, has me able to rip tunes from my cd library to load up onto the Dell DJ. Once we got it working, she went and ordered the companion Dell DJ, one for her identical to mine. Wont it be funny when she grabs mine or I grab hers by mistake.

AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA...

So we will be two styling dykes with hers and hers 20 gig Dell DJ players...ahhhhhhh...

WooHooooooooooooooooooooo

The Dell DJ is up and running. Now I have the daunting task of converting music from my cd collection to upload to the mp3 player (aka Dell DJ).

20 gigs worth...good thing I have a four day weekend every weekend.

I love me some gadgets.

Early presents

My birthday is still two weeks from today, but I got a present, or a series of presents early, last night, E just can't hold her pee.

She got me a Dell Jukebox, which is a near cousin to the iPod. 20 gig music vault, in short, it holds about 9000 tunes.

And now for the bad news, seems she might have to reformat the hard drive so there is room to install the software to get it up and going. So much for earliness.

Why?

I know there is no answer other than "because", but I still find myself asking the question.

I had a much too long conversation today with my wasband, at much too high an emotional volume, and it leaves me feeling as if there has been no progress made in my personal evolution. I still am capable of feeling hatred toward him. Had we been in the same room having this conversation, I would have struck him with a forcefull blow from my open hand across his face.

I am glad we were not in the same room, but is the intent a strain on my karma?

I sent a folder of pics home with my son and in the folder was also a letter he had written me years ago. Whether it was before or after his affair, I am uncertain, but it had expressed a sentiment that to me, was a lie for more than the time of his fidelity. He just does not get that his affair negated everything.

The hurt and pain he caused me was as raw today as when it was a fresh wound.

I made an effort in my head to discuss this with E at dinner, and I just could not do it. I could not vocalize the pain and hurt that still lie dormant(or not so) within my soul from what that man did to me. Is it that he makes me feel vulnerable? Inadequate? Something less?

I just don't know where this comes from when it hits me and it really is irritating.

He was so pissed off that I sent that letter back to him and he had the nerve to question my motives in doing so.

That really pissed me off. Why does he think he has the right to question anything I do or say? His argument was that I could have quite simply thrown it away. I told him no, I needed to purge his energy from my life and my living space, and that frankly, it was easier to leave it in a folder that was going to him then to walk it over to the trash. He just did not grasp the whole I need to exorcise his energy thing. And, I made it clear that just as easily, he could have just thrown it away upon discovery. Why am I to make the noble sacrifice but not him? Fucking double standard.

I went on to explain to him that this is why I am so hot to get a new car. Don't I know that the Jeep has easily another 100k miles before it dies? Don't I like not having a car payment?

Of course I know these things.

I also know that it is making me crazy, FUCKING CRAZY, to walk out the door each day and get into his car!

I am not sure all the meditating and yoga in the world can do anything to reverse the strain on my sanity. I might go tomorrow to the VW showroom. Of course that brings up a whole new can of worms. Like the doubt that at nearly fucking 40 I can get approved for a car on my own.

S
I
G
H

Fuck.

so...

The screener woman was very professional, and while my bag was still in the x-ray machine I asked her what time it was. There was plenty of time, so I volunteered to just take my bag back to the car. Of course, I could not do that before it was hand searched.

Screener lady: You have several options. 1) You can throw the offending items into the trash.
Me: Ummm, that is more than $1000 worth of work tools, and they are not going into the trash.
SL: 2) You can mail the offending items to your home or your travel destination.
Me: Well, I have to be at work in less than two hours, so what other options do I have?
SL: 3) You can go to the sign in counter and see if the agent will hold the offending items for you until your flight leaves.
Me: Well, I am not flying anywhere,
SL: Ma'am, you still cannot take the offending items past the check point.
Me: Yes, I understand, as I said already, I can take my bag back to the car.
SL: But the agent will hold it for you.

Like I am going to leave my scissors with anyone when there is adequate time to just go to the car. I explained to her again the value and necessity of the "offending items", and she gave me the oh-you-trust-us-with-your-child-but-not-with-some-dumb-scissors look.

Finally she handed over my bag and we were escorted back to the security point. Then as we were going across the parking lot, my angel says, with scissor case in hand, "No way is this $1000."

Me: Don't open the case.
Angel: [opens the case anyway]
Me: Be. Very. Careful.
TINKCRASHCLANGALANG

Three pair of scissors fell from the case and that was all it took to open the floodgate of tears that was the amalgamation of the last three weeks.

It passed rather quickly, then at work I assessed the damage, and just one pair, my most used favorite pair of scissors, was determined to be somewhat fucked up. I will send them in for servicing and hopefully they will survive.

I have since fully detoxed, I think, and if not, will definitely fully detox at the beach in Galveston on Sunday.

The boy has left the building

I was going to mention this last night, but actually, I was still in a bit of a detox funk.

We got to the airport with just about the entire suggested two hours early in tact. As I left the car, rather than grabbing my book, my phone, and my ID, I just grabbed my entire work bag. Can you imagine what that meant?

Ultimately it meant I was chosen by the airline for further scanning.

As we are going through the screening the first time, my bag inside the x-ray machine, it occurred to me that my scissor case was inside.

More later, off to yoga...

Just this. Here now.

The following is from "Awakening the Buddhist Heart" by Lama Surya Das:

CONNECTING THROUGH THE PRESENT MOMENT THROUGH THE POWER OF NOW

Take a breath; take a break. Cultivate the power of the present moment by entering into the holy now.

To do this meditation, just make yourself comfortable. Lie, sit, stand. It doesn't matter.

Breathe in slowly through the nostrils.

As you breathe in, repeat this inner mantra to yourself: "Just this, here now."

As you breathe out, repeat again: "Just this. Here now." Use this mantra as an inner form of prayer or chant of contemplation and meditation.

Inhale...Just this, here now.

Exhale...Just this, here now.

There is nothing but this moment. This sacred moment. Just this, here now.

Let everything else subside, and just go with the natural flow of things, left just as they are. Trust it.

There is no greater miracle than this. Just this. Here now.

There is nowhere else to go, nowhere else to be than just this, here now.

This is the moment we've been waiting for. This is the great crossroads of past and future. This is the goal of our journey. Just this, here now.

There is nothing extra to get rid of and nothing missing that we need to find--just this glorious, radiant, abundant here...now.

vRight here is how we find ourselves, just as we are. Just this.

Right here is where eternity and infinity converge in the present moment. Right here is the gateway to infinity, to the timeless. Just this. Here now.

This is the eternal moment, the mystical instant, the timeless time beyond time and space--yet totally, precisely present. Just this. Here now.

Don't miss it.

Still way too much in my head

What options are out there to do something of merit? I am not sure exactly where my mind is at the moment, but I am feeling as if I should be moving toward something in a grand way. Is it something by way of volunteering? Is it something for a career path? Is there a significant "thing" I can grasp?

I have been the past two or so years consciously on a path toward personal balance. I am not sure if spiritual fully describes it. I think there is something to the idea of the greater good, and I know there is something I am supposed to be doing. and I can only hope that I am in some small way doing it allready.

Being in my head this much is something akin to exhausting.

A New Career

How does one decide? Does something sound good nd you just do it?

The prospect of returning to school has been on the horizon and I just do not know what to do about it. There are things that are appealing about it and equally, things that are apalling about it. You can only be in your head about it so much.

I hate making decisions.

Making a sour face

I'm sitting here eating a bowl of blueberries and did I just get a few sour ones. The ones we got this past weekend are certainly not as good as the ones we got the previous weekend. What a difference a week makes!

The mission today will be to get Connor to the eye doctor and then to Eye Masters for glasses. If that all goes smoothly, I will take him out to JCP to get some clothes for school. If we do not make it there today, we definitely will tomorrow.

I suppose I need to check in with Western Union to see if his father sent the money he said he would for Connor to return on Wednesday with unaccompanied minor status. The airline charges $40 for this babysitting, and I don't feel it is necessary, though his dad does. I told him to send the money and if I get it in time, meaning if he actually sends it, then I will take care of it. He was supposed to call back and confirm he sent it, but that was last Thursday. I think I have already taken on that toxicity enough. Inhale...2...3...4...and release...

Disconcerting dreams

As I was coming out of sleep this morning, I was having weird dreams. I was pretty young and there were many people I know now who were there with me. Beyond that I just cannot grasp/ I was going to write it all down as soon as I was awake. I can remember thinking that. Then the dogs were disturbed by something and theor barking jolted me out of it.

Weirdness.

7 AM?

Who in their right mind is up at 7 AM on Saturday morning?

Anyone who wants a shower before the city cuts off the water for some work they are doing in the neighborhood. Also, anyone who hears the yard boy with the weed wacker. It seems we are first on his list every other week. I love it.

So by noon time, I had already been to meditation and yoga as well as to the kolache place and starbucks, all before hitting the farmer's market.

At the farmer's market, we got some more blueberries because the ones we got last week were so divine. In addition to them, I picked up strawberries and cantaloupe, plantains, bananas, garlic, cilantro and poblano peppers to stuff.

I am going to experiment with the plantains and try to fry them up for eating with a chimichuri dipping oil. This is an experiment all around, and as is the norm, I anticipate some yummyliciousness to spontaneously occur.

I really like getting the garlic at the farmer's market because it is fresh and cheap. But more endearing is that it comes five heads in a bag for a buck and it is all paper peeled. Little mess for using. And did I mention cheap?
All this produce today for less than ten bucks.

The austerity plan is working.

Discursiveness

sigh

Feeling shifting

In yoga this morning, Kathryn said, "When a feeling comes up during your practice, whether it be here in class, or at home, stay with it and feel it to set it free. Don't suppress it."

It was an odd moment of realization for me, for this is what I try to encourage. It made me cognizant of a subtle shift.

During the six week session prior to the break for the month of June, someone brought up 9/11 and that she had just started class that day. She was recounting how class was at that moment in time. After this was discussed briefly, Kathryn asked us all to take a moment and consider all the good that happened on the planet at that same time. Somehow this offered me a sense of balance. This was either the end of April or sometime in May.

Since that class, doing yoga in class has brought up a profound sadness within me. I will be holding a pose, and tears just begin to stream down my face. There really is no explanation, and if I consider the general sadness I feel, it is perhaps in relation to 9/11. Other than a tragic day of terrorist attacks, it is my day of birth. In my opinion, quite a joyous occasion. This coming 9/11 is the fortieth anniversary of my birth. A milestone in itself.

After the reminder to feel whatever comes up, I noticed that the sadness is no longer present as it has been the past few months. Bueno. I like it.

Is it morning yet?

We went out yesterday to shoot some pool with the boys around 3 or so. Then we went to have a slice of pizza, and from there we dropped T off at his dad's and then came home. I could not keep my eyes open, so I went in to take a nap. I think that might have been around 7.

I was up near midnight to relieve myself of the rest of the beer I drank, but went right back to sleep. Shortly before 8 this morning I was awake. I mean really awake.

I have not had that lengthy a sleep in quite a long time. I'll take it because I really feel great.

We were up fairly early yesterday too, for a Sunday. We went on the breakfast run to get a kolache and then a chai at Starbucks. Then we went to the farmer's market. I got poblanos to make chile rellenos, and also some potatoes, onions, plums, and the biggest and sweetest blueberries I have ever seen.

The last time I ate blueberries, I had gone out to the dump to pick them with Mrs. Ames. I was about 14 or 15 and Mrs Ames was in her 60s I would guess, and something less than sane. There were wild blueberry bushes in patches out off the main dump road, of that I was certain, but a morning out with Mrs. Ames was a real chore.

I still remember hearing my dad urge me to go, "Oh, go on, we can have them for lunch after they have cooled in the fridge a bit. You know you like them."

The blue berries were just ripe, I think one more night and they would have been ravaged by the bears. i think we picked about 10 quarts before we were through.

When we returned to the campground, we washed them off in the utility sink and some went straight to zip bags for freezing. Mrs. Ames told me there would be a second and maybe a third crop of them this summer and if we got enough, she would make jam. I told her my dad would eat these daily until they were gone, so getting enough was not very likely.

Once I was done putting them away, I saw my dad behind the counter getting lunch ready. He made us sandwiches of something, and we each had a bowl of blueberries waiting wit a nice dollop of sour cream and a sprinkling of brown sugar.

Funny, but I just saw this same "recipe" in a magazine as a healthy coll summer treat.

I am going to dig in.

Collective sigh of relief heard round the world.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Yes, that is the sound. It seems the boy has decided it is best to return to VA and live with dad. I told him I will make more effort to participate/mediate from here. I need to move toward guiding his dad through fatherhood without telling him what to do outright. I suppose I need to get a little devious. Manipulative. Two traits I have basically left behind, however, his dad is the most easily manipulated man in the world as I Am His Weakness.

Maybe that will become a new idea for a book in itself somehow. I will be sure to well document the struggle, no, journey.

Not too much else going on in these parts. We have entered a period of tight finances and austerity, but I think it is good for us. Nothing like some home together down time.

Life, is good.

On the fence

Seems the boy has considered his options wholly. I think he is back on the side of returning to his dad's for school.

ahhhhh...

New schedule in effect. Fourth consecutive day off. Liking it.

Lather. Rindse. Repeat.

So far, so good...sort of.

Well, Connor has been here 5 days, and before the end of the first day, he began his campaign to stay for school. I am so conflicted about what to decide.

Responsible mother Maxine knows it really is in his best interest to be here. The trouble with this is that when he was here three years ago for the school year, the same thing happened when he went to visit his dad. He missed him and wanted to stay when he went to visit for the summer. He was told then that whatever he decided was where he would need to finish out his school days as moving back and forth was not a good plan. He picked Dad's.

His arguments range from missin g me to liking the dogs, to dad being strict and mean. But by far, his best argument is that dad does not always put him first. In addition to that, several months ago, the school suggested that Connor might have ADD. His dad has yet to make a Dr. appointment for further testing. Also several months ago, Connor lost his glasses. His dad never took him for new ones.

Enter into the picture selfish likes her life as it is Maxine. Need I explain that any further?

So last night I picked up the phone to begin a potentially less than rational adult discussion with his father. I was expecting shouting, or resigned relief. What I got was a temporarily out of service message. Yes, we can get a new Mustang, but we have trouble paying the phone bill on time, chronically.

Sigh.

My sanity is on a three week vacation

In an hour and a half, it's true. My sanity is going on vacation. My youngest son, nearly 14, is coming to visit. I have not seen him since Easter '03. We speak on the phone each week, but it has been so long.

Next week my three day week begins. It seems one cannot just drop insurance. It must be done at open enrollment, which at JCP is in October, or with a qualifying change of status.

Alternately, when one's hours fall below the weekly minimum, eventually a letter is generated suggesting how many hours are needed to keep insurance active, and how long one has to make up these missing hours.

I will be covered, likely, until about December 1st. Once I get the letter telling me when my last day of coverage is, then, and only then, may I pick up outside insurance.

Sweet.

My new schedule is:

Wednesday 8-5
Thursday 12-9
Friday 8-430

Again,

Sweet!

Why can't it be easy?

Health insurance is such a pain in the ass. To keep it through my job, I need to maintain 35 hours. That makes my productivity, and as well my commission go into the toilet. To find it on the outside is just a runaround.

Once I get it settled, however, I will be able to go to a three day work week at 25 hours and still maintain my other benefits. And have higher productivity. And higher commission.

Work less. Make more. I like it.

Absolutely perfect

Last night, E and I went to see Sarah McLachlan.

Can I say swoon!!??

It was simply put a purely perfect moment. I first saw her 6 years ago and it was a bit of a spiritual experience. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say it was the pinnacle of a spiritual ecperience. A definite time of spiritual definition and significance.

I consciously went to last night's show with no expectations, and I came away absolutely delighted. Sarah performed every song I could fathom her doing and she was so present in the moment. If I have to coonsider something missing, she did not do Black and White, but that is about the only song I can think of that I missed. I mean, she sang everything. Did I say swoon? Delight? Perfect?

Now for my bitch. No 2X t-shirts. None. So I am taking this as new motivation to double up my weight loss efforts so I can look oh, so fine in my new 1X Sarah t-shirt. I hope to wear it to Beth and Irina's Laboor Day beach wedding. There. I said it out loud.

Too early to hope

My dear cousin Wes is something of a techie geek. In discussing my fucked laptop with him, he said:

Me: Can you believe, $240 and sending it out?!? And 3-4 week turnaround.
Cuz: I can use $240. And, I have a better turnaround time.
Me: I could use $240, too. That is the problem.
Cuz: Duh, Cuz, send it to me. Sounds like a simple solder.

He is such a babe. abd also a babe, E will Fedex it from work with a return label so it will cost me nothing more than a batch of cookies.

Let's hope my delight is not premature.

Whatever happened to the $5 minimum?

$240 minimum investment to get my laptop repaired.
 
The decision becomes wait until I have the $$ to repair? or use the credit advance with Dell and buy a new one.
 
Fuckers.

Day five

I have been off work since Thursday as a sort of mini vacation. I don't ever want to go back. I suppose if I am to have dollars to fix my laptop, it is necessary, but I am just liking being home too much. This just reinforces to me that I need to get on the insurance deal so I can switch to a three day work week.

Doing some laundry this morning and then I think it will be out shopping and shooting pool this afternoon.

My laptop is fucked

My laptop fell off the chair today as the dog stretched. When it landed, the place where the ac adapter plugs in broke on the inside. We managed to get it opened up enough to glue it, but the connection is still fucked.

I have battery power, but the plug also is what charges the battery.

Thankfully, all else is working properly even after the surgery we attempted. I need to find out if I can use an external battery charger and maybe get a spare battery.

Or, I need to get it fixed professionally which there are no funds for.

Or, I need a new laptop altogether.

Fuck.

Fresh off the tree

Three days in a row I have managed to be up between 730 and 8, and this morning, I even went out to procure a bowl of figs fresh from the tree.

I did not think ours would be that good this year as the fig tree/bush is leaf wise looking pretty poorly. That is, excepting the portion that is far too tall for us to think about getting to. So, I braved the chiggers or whatever else the grass gnats are, and went out to gather.

Luscious. Full. Divine. Juicy and oh, so sweet! Yes, I am still going on about figs.

On Wednesday night we went to Slick Willie's to shoot some pool. As we were cashing out, I rather matter-of-factly mentioned to E that I thought Eva Cassidy was not car music and should be brought inside. Boy, was I in trouble. She was not stoic, but was indeed rather put out with me. Suddenly it became a total criticism of her taste in music. Just a tad reactionary.

We went over to MoMong and enjoyed some mango spring rolls and shrimp fried rice, but E was less chatty than normal.

We came home (not listening to Eva, by the way) and went to bed fulfilling in a grand fashion her resolution number one.

In the morning I knew all was forgotten and likely forgiven.

At about 2 at work yesterday, there was a floral delivery for moi. Lovely. Roses. and the card said simply "IFLY".

Perfect.

Life, is good.

Early in the morning

I realize it is nearly 8 am and that is not terribly early. My yogi would like me up by 7 I think, and preferrably by 6 or 6:30. I explained to her how 8 is real progress, and I am going to attempt getting into 7 as normal. Today I was awake at 7:30 and out of bed. I was actually up tp pee around 6, but not awake.

Not a whole lot going on here lately. I am taking a 5 day weekend beginning Friday as it is our 6th anniversary next Tuesday. It will be good to be away from work that long.

I was reviewing some calls for submissions last night, so I might try to make a plan to submit some things over the weekend. I found a few anthologies which I might have something done for previously. I figure the weekend will be a good time to formulate a plan.

I just hope it does not serve to reinforce how much I would prefer to be home full time.

Peace and quiet in the evening

A couple of days of family company go a long way toward rediscovering an appreciation for the quiet found in life lived in an ordinary manner. We have had E's neice and nephew staying with us for a few days, since Thursday evening, and man do they require entertaining.


She is 12 and he is 9, if I am not mistaken, and they are just a little rotten. Presumptuous. Bratty.

I opted out of going this evening to E's sister's house where she and her husband and her 3 yr old and one month old are hosting the other brother's wife and three children. I decided that a 2 to 1 child to adult ratio was just more than I could bear. I think just the nephew is coming home with E, and with any luck, he might decide to stay with everyone else at Kathy's.

The plan was to meet everyone at Kathy's tomorrow, but that was before Papu's most recent email, so the plan became meeting up to attend fireworks.

I adore going to see fireworks, and E knows this. We graciously bowed out of attending them en masse, but might go on our own to see them as they are done by Disney this year.

While staying home tonight, I decided on a little culinary therapy. I took a tub of sauce out of the freezer which I made a few weeks ago, and made some pasta with sausage. I also made some Tollhouse cookies with milk and semi-sweet chips and pecans. and Butter. Real butter. Tres yummm.

Tomorrow is still another day.

Two girls in a cafe, and then they were four

These two cute young things have been sitting a few booths away. One is hovered over a notebook while the other is clicking away on her laptop.

They have been sitting there working diligently as another couple seated themselves at the table between us. They were barely seated when one of the girls stepped over to them and interrupted their kiss.

"Excuse me, but I have to tell you how beautiful you are."

It's true, the girl of the new couple(I say girl because the four of them are all barely in their twenties)is indeed attractive, but the two girls sitting together are both equally so.

Girl number one went on, "Nothing would please me more than if you would agree to model for me." She then produced her digital camera and reviewed through her pics. "Here, this is one of my roommate," indicating the girl across from her, "which I just finished this morning."

Prospective model girl was duly impressed and sat down close to girl number one while girl number two slid over to make room for the boyfriend. They just sat there while girl number one and model girl got all animated in their conversation and viewing of other work of girl number one's.

About 5 minutes of discussion in all and everyone had exchanged contact info, with a photo of model girl being snapped for preliminary work to begin on Friday.

Then girl number two spoke up saying, "Be sure to bring a few changes of clothes as she will want to work continuously all weekend. There will be plenty of wine on hand to facilitate the process and we have a hot tub on the deck to enjoy on breaks, plenty of privacy, swimsuit optional."

Maybe I should offer catering services.

Yoga hiatus interrupted

Did I forget to mention feeling the burn in my thigh muscles from yesterday's return to yoga after a month off?

Biscuits and tea

Yummolina.

I wish they always had strawberry jelly available as the biscuits are way better with it than without. Jelly or not, however, the biscuits at Cafe Artiste are indeed the best I have found in town.

I was sitting here wondering what it was that I was forgetting on today's agenda and luckily, it dawned on me that I have to cut some hair tonight at 6.

I was -.2 this morning at WW and thankfully, due to the deal I made with my self, not required to stay for the meeting. The time I go on Wednesday morning is heavily populated by blue haired old ladies, many of whom I can just tell cheat themselves by conveniently 'forgetting' or overlooking points they are consuming, much as my mother would. Why anyone would pay to be there and then cheat is beyond me, but it is indicative of my mother's personal brand of logic.

I am in week six and total loss is 4.4...I'll take it.

The cafe is calling

Time to shower and get my ass to weight watchers, but after that, Cafe Artiste (with free wireless access, of course) is calling my name.

I think after a good biscuit or tow and some tea, I will come on home for an afternoon of altar cleaning and laundry. Can life get much better?

Budgeting sucks!

The mindless collection of supplementary unemployment has come to an end. This means my income is basically half what it was a week ago. Sucky. Plain old sucky.

I knew the day would come, of course, but it still sucks. School is looking better and better.

I took the first step and asked for a quote from insure me dot com. If I can find outside insurance comparable to what I get at work, I can then work less hours which will raise my commissions and productivity and actually set off the 10 hours less I would be working.

I think once I find the outside insurance I will feel better about it all.

Oh great insurance goddess, shine on me today.

And the wife's playing Castlevania

I just cooked up a slamming good breakfast of home fried red potatoes with red onion and leftover chicken breast all hashed together topped by queso quesadilla cheese and over easy fried eggs. Tres yum.

We went to the Galleria yesterday and there is a new store there called Teavana. While there, we purchased 4 of there many varieties; Thai blend, black currant, almond and rooibos peach. We are currently enamored with the Thai blend. It is simply divine. We also purchased a clay pot in the shape of the Buddha. It is porous and eventually you can make tea without adding tea leaves so it is suggested you only brew one variety in it. Budda gets Thai blend. There are of course, many more tea pots which will be added to our little collection.

After Teavanna we stopped into Fossil so I could drool over the watch I want, and then into The Body Shop where we got a nice modern stainless steel infuser and some room oil to infuse in it. I went in looking for a lip crayon I got from them years ago, but no luck on that one.

Mothers and babies

This morning, I was lying in bed listening to this distinct new bird out either in my yard or in the immediate vicinity. I figured it was just passing through as its call was something totally foreign, having never been heard in the two years I have lived here.

After about 40 minutes of her most annoying bird song, I got up and went to see if she was visibly in the yard. I was planning to let the dogs out to shoo her away, though oddly enough, they were seemingly oblivious to her presence. I went to the patio door and what did I see but a duck being trailed by about ten babies. I called Elizabeth at work to ask her if she had seen it earlier this morning and she said no, but added that Sawyer had indeed been out in the yard and made no commotion. I told her I would take the dogs for a walk, then see if they were still in the yard and try to get a picture. I wanted her to know so she did not routinely let the dogs out if she arrived home before me.

After returning from the stroll with the dogs, I slipped out back with the camera. The ducks were around the side of the house hiding behind the air conditioner unit, likely having heard the dogs barking as we returned from the walk. As I got nearer with the camera, I saw there were two adult ducks and one of them flew toward me and to the top rail of the fence.

Fairly warned, I backed away and left them to their secure space. Now that I was considering the situation, I realized that Nola has been hanging out over on that side of the house for a week or so whenever she is outside. When the dogs go out, Sawyer has been scratching to come in, and in each instance, I have had to aggressively call Nola or let her stay out longer.I think she has been making friends with Mama duck.

While discussing this with Elizabeth, I reasoned that the ducks were flying and chose our yard to nest and lay eggs. The chicks are little fur balls and there is no way they flew into the yard with Mama. When we get home this afternoon, I will go out and see if they are still there and if there is any semblance of a nest, unless I am again shooed away.

When we returned home, the ducks were gone.

woohoo

sitting at Panera Bread with my wireless access equiped laptop...yee-haw!!

Technology advances

Thanks to my friend Beth, and some $$ donated to Best Buy, I am now wireless on my laptop. The excitement follows as I hope to carry my laptop off to a few local cafes more often that offer free wireless access and get into the groove of writing more again.

In addition to the router and wireless card, I also discovered a little wireless gadget which plugs into the USB port and requires no router to be wireless, which if I am following, means I could be wireless anywhere, like maybe the beach in Galveston!! woohoo...

While out yesterday I was writing down the accounts of my morning which included a visit by a mama duck and her babies. E is going to try to enhance the video I took in the digital camera or capture part of it as a pic to post here. If I can figure that out, I will post more about them later. They were just so cute, even if they did cause me to scrape the hell out of my heel. Maybe I should post that pic, too. I think not.

Time elastic

Time seems to have taken on some foreign concept lately. Not that it is foreign and I cannot comprehend, just that it seems so elastic.

On Friday morning last, we woke up late and I distinctly told E it was ok (for me) as it was Thursday. "No," she said calmly while the heat of her body still warmed my side, "it's definitely Friday." Shit.

Now here it is Tuesday and I feel as if it is some other day entirely. Part of the disconnect is due to yoga being on a month long summer break. I will be glad when class resumes next Tuesday morning and only hope to be present. It currently depends somewhat on buying airline tickets for my son's visit here later next month.

Tomorrow can't get here soon enough. I am hoping against hope that I see even a small loss at WW so I can scoot along right away to get my nails done and then to get with my laptop to the cafe. I negotiated with myself, and if there is a gain, I endure the WW meeting as punishment. If I am even or have a loss, I can weigh in only and get the fuck out of there before the drivel begins. It really is dreary once you have heard it so many times regardless how perky the leader is. Suitable punishment for not taking the knowledge to heart.

Do I care?

The blinds just fell that are in the bathroom window which faces the neighbors. Am I going to fix them before I take my shower?

Ummm...I think not.

What does concern me, however, is the rash that is covering my entire back. I had E put some lotion on me yesterday because my back has been feeling a little tight/dry skin/itchy and she used Lubriderm, which I have been using with no adverse affects for some time now.

The itchy really amped up through the evening, and this morning my back is looking all rashy and is as red as a sunburn. Did I mention it is itchy???

I have had similar rash in the past when I have switched laundry detergent. Tide, Surf, Gain, Cheer, just about anything other than Arm and Hammer sends me into rash anywhere clothing somes in contact with skin. Surprisingly, I can use the Costco brand detergent with no upset.Wooooweeee.

I need to wear a soft dress to work today to avoid further irritation, I think.

There will also be a lot of time out for short meditative breathing periods as it helps drive the itch out, at least for a short time.

Come rake your nails over my back, will ya?

Omigod, E bought me a book!!

I have gotten more new books lately than these, but these are the ones I will integrate into the e-library this evening.

Haslund, Ebba...Nothing Happened
Brown, Rita Mae...Plain Brown Rapper
Morrell, Mary...Final Rest
Hodgman, Helen...Waiting For Matindi
Hopkins, Jeffrey...Cultivating Compassion
Mah, Adeline Yen...Watching The Tree
Goldberg, Natalie...Thunder and Lightning
Pepin, Jacques...The Apprentice
McNab, Claire...Blood Link (15)
McNab, Claire...Death By Death
Stinson, Susan...Fat Girl Dances With Rock
Stinson, Susan...Martha Moody
Miller, Carlene...Death Off Stage

Woohoo...time to get reading!!

I think I had something more to say when I began this post, but zippo...it's gone.

Slacker

I have been such a blog slacker. Really, there is little new to report. Same old, same old...life is good.

I began a memoir writing class at BNU so that has me a little distracted regarding updating here, but as I said, life, is good...so there is little in the way of vennting necessary at the moment.

Of course the asshole housesitters next door were at it again last night, but i was pretty tired when I finally went to bed, and that combined with a Norah Jones cd and E's soft and constant stroking of my tired flesh, I nodded off rather directly.

Lazy weekend, I'm yours.

Another sleep hangover

I am up this morning having slept well, but for too many hours. I feel like crap, as if I really tied one on last night. Funny though, even when I drink in mega excess, I am never hungover from alcohol, just from too much sleep.

There seems to be some sort of blah hanging in the air lately. I have a general life is good vibe going on, but yesterday I was just bored out of my mind at work. I am not sure how that indicates for the future, but it is wearing on my patience and such. Hopefully Sharon will know something definite in the next few days regarding transferring across town. A new locale will go a long way towards extending my patience even if it likely is just the same crap with new faces. But the new faces will at least be a diversion to my senses.

If there is no transfer, I am not sure how much longer I will stay with JCP. I might reconsider trying to get on with B and N where 20 hours is all that is required for insurance.

Belated happy birthday to Mickey!!

E's sister had her baby yesterday and we had the task of caring for her three year old overnight. We did our best to corrupt him by watching Thomas the train followed by Wild Thornberry's and then Jimmy Neutron. And then, of course, repeatedly watching all three movies as much as possible during the past 24 hours. Thomas the train won at about 6 viewings.

While watching movies last night, I made him some mac and cheese and let him eat in front of the tv, and then of course we just slugged around today eating nothing but graham crackers.

Baby Mickey made his appearance last night at 11:30, weighing in at 8lbs 12 ozs and he is, of course, just darling.

On a sour note, the asshole neighbors have some asshole house sitters who at 1:30 am after E went over to ask them to quiet down, called her a shrew and after she left were mocking her and her request and suggesting we just stay over here and lick twat.

I am really struggling with how to keep an equanimous mind and deal with cultivating compassion toward those fuckers.

Promiscuous With Negroes

I am really seriously letting that be the title of my memoirs when I finally get it together. I am thinking good old Papu might have inspired a catchy hook of a title with that one. If he is still living when it is published, I will have to be sure he gets an author's signed copy. I imagine the cover art will be that of his daughter, the one not a woman and not gay and not vociferous in her opinions.

Hah!

Had a nice day off yesterday. I went to WW and was plus .6, but it is my period, and after weighing in I discovered my keys and my cell phone in my pocket. Duh!

After that I went to see Traci to get my nails done. I think she is worried I will go ack to Vicki who has returned from maternity leave. I might see her again, but really either of them do a good job, and since Vicki has never done my pedicure, I would still see Traci for that.

After the mani, I came home to meet brother-in-law Joe for a haircut. He has not seen me for nearly two months, so it was time. We chitchatted about things and then he warily brought up the recent controversy with Paou. We had a good laugh about it and he was surprised that I was not furious and hurt by it all. I tried to explain all the reasons I am not and he told me he really admired how I can let stuff go like that. Buddhism, I replied.

My books arrived for the next class I am taking at b and n uni dot com. It is a memoir writing class through them from Gotham Writers' Workshop and is offered FREE. I am interested in doing other GWW classes online which are more intense and, umm, not FREE, so I thought it might be a nice intro to their method and seeing if it fits before I drop a few hundred clams.

E got home just as Joe was leaving and we talked a little further about Papu and about Joe's son Bobby who is three and behaving terribly. Melodramatic, that one is. Kathy, Joe's wife is about to pop out little Mickey any day now and will be induced on Tuesday if she does not pop over the weekend. Bobby knows something is up. It occurs to me he might have little use for his new brother. "Send him back!" is what I hear coming from his mouth.

We had to take E's son Thomas to driving school and then while he was there we went and had enchiladas for lunch. After we ate we went by the candle shop we like and picked up a few more Circle E candles. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

We dropped T off at his dad's and then came home for a while. At around 7 we went by the hospital to visit Paul who had a heart attack Saturday and, well, frankly is not doing well at all. It was sad.

From there we went to Meteor for Ladies happy hour and saw Beth, Irina, and Mimi, always fun.

We went to MoMong for mango spring rolls and also had crab claws and fried rice, and finally we went in search of the Industry Cafe to see Grupo Fantasma. Muy excellente!

Home around 1230 last night and here i was awake this morning at 7.

Time for some yoga and then off to work.

Is he for real??? (Yes, he is...)

I have been considering planting a new bed in the back yard. Currently I have just two small Bouganvilla (I know that is not spelled right, but spellcheck offers no alternative) and no other ideas for what to put in it. Do I dig out the entire bed I will want there eventually? Do I dig out just enough space for the two pots? Tomorrow morning I will know. I will wake up knowing and just do it.

Tomorrow I also have the privilege of dealing with a family haircut. In comparison to the final drama with Papu, I now welcome the brother-in-law with no reservation.

Yesterday, an email from Papu informed E that he is just too uncomfortable around me to deal with it. He loves her blahx3, but he just can no longer tolerate me because, oh, let's see. (Fair warning, Papu is a bitter, bigoted, racist, homophobe of an old man.)

I am a W O M A M. Which he says in a derogatory way because I have disagreeable feminist leanings. (Yes, his daughter is one, too.)

I am gay. Does he think his daughter is not? Yes, I think he actually does.

I am a Jew. He thinks there is a small group of Jews controlling the world and his conspiracy theory is something that really distresses him. He often says things disparaging, and it is always his daughter who alerts him and contradicts him, yet I *am* the Jew.

I have two black sons and have been "promiscuous with Negroes". First of all, when it is not about him, he does not pay attention. While I do have two sons, just one of them is black. Secondly, I was married to his father for 10 years which does not by any stretch of the imagination make me "promiscuous with Negroes".

Lastly, He said that I was too vociferous in all these faults/opinions and he just can't deal with it any longer. If I am to be included when he is invited somewhere, he will pass. Boofricketyhoo.

E was concerned that I would be upset about this email, but really, I find it somewhat amusing and I have a reaction more of pity for how pathetic Papu is. Her reaction is to be through with him and she replied just that to her siblings, all of them had been cc-ed on Papu's original email.

He lost the one person who tolerated him best.

There is to be a family gathering July 4 at her sister's house which E says we will not be going to. I reminded her that I am usually the one who cooks at these events. Hah! He lost the cook then, too!

Just another daydream

Not quite eleven, and I am pretty wide awake. I suppose it is rather early, but it seems as if it has been a long day. Really the long day will be tomorrow when I am working 8-7, knowing that for many it is a holiday. Time and a half just does not seem to mean a whole lot.

E and I are planning to go to the beach early next Saturday morning. I will do a little research and see if I can find a coffee house for us to lunch at. Or late breakfast at. I think I might push for us to go even if it rains. We can then explore the Strand or see what else we can uncover down there.

Last summer, I had the ambitious desire to find a way to rent one of the small cottages down there for a few weeks during the summer. I think it might be something doable for the off season, but I have yet to discover how much even that might be. It is fairly nice in April and it stays warm enough into October to make it feasable. I could trade my Wednesday iff for Monday or Friday to have 3 day weekends to go down, and even burn some vacation days to have 4 day mini retreats a few weeks in a row. Some advanced planning might just be in order and perhaps I can indulge in 05.

Take me out to the ballgame

Yesterday I went to Minute Maid Park and lost my Astro's cherry. It was an ok time, but I will consider heavily whether or not to accept future offers to go. E and her dad and her son and I went and we had her dad's corporate tickets. We stayed about four or five innings. I even wore an Astro's t-shirt for the occasion which I got deeply discounted at JCP.

Not much else going on to indicate it is a holiday weekend. The real holiday being tomorrow is a regular work day for me, 8 am to 7 pm. Ewww. Maybe I will have some fabulous lunch somewhere, but it is also regular for me to go to PF Chang's on Monday anyway. so no big deal. Unless of course E comes to join me. That would be nice.

We have a proposed family day at the sister-in-law's for July 4 when the brother-in-law is visiting for a week and I am thinking I might pass. Don't think my name will be mud, but I will meditate on it.

Strangeness

This morning I had a disturbing dream. E was masturbating at a party. There was a woman who hit on me and I rebuffed her rather vehemently. She new who my wife was and that she was present and that she had heavily consumed libations as had all in attendance. She proceeded to basically dare E to masturbate. E thought it was a private thing and she ended up having an audience. I was not at all put out with her, but I proceeded to murder the grrl who had manipulated the situation.

It was so disturbing to me that I was consciously going to shave my head this morning after my shower. It's a good thing that my clippers were at work.

I brought home all my fabulous pottery which I made over the last 5 weeks in class, and I think I will become a continuing student. At least for a couple of months. If anyone has an electric wheel to donate, please give me a ring.

Early Sunday evening. It has been a relaxing and lazy sort of weekend. Very enjoyable.

It began after work on Friday by going to Slick Willies to shoot some pool and listen to the juke box. We had a few beers there and then headed over to Cabo for some food. The shrimp tacos are pretty good.

After dinner we called on Beth and Irina and joined them, and Mimi in watching The Statement. Though rather slow, it was a decent flick. Somewhat heavy subject matter for a Friday night.

Saturday was a lazy morning with us leaving the house around noon for lunch at St Pete's before a 2:30 theatre time. We saw "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum", or I should say we saw the first act. It was entertaining enough to stay for the second act, but one act of sitting still in the dark on a full stomach is usually all we can take.

On the way home from the theatre we had to detour due to construction on the ramps connecting I-10 to 610. During the detour, a white truck pulled over to the shoulder and the red truck in front of us braked (broke?) much harder than necessary causing us to brake. The car behind us was rubber necking the truck and then BAM!@*>$&, we were struck from behind. We are all just fine, but the muffler on E's car is scrunched.

The boy driving his Mom's green Ford Taurus station wagon called to see if we would work with the collision shop he is employed by rather than going through insurance and E has agreed as long as it is timely and she lays out no $$. We go Wednesday to the place to see what the deal is.

Today, we did the Sunday morning usual. E went to Lowes while I took Nola out for the breakfast run. We went first to Olde Towne Kolaches and picked uo two Ranchera Kolaches with ham. If I tuck the bag between the seat and the door, it is safe from Nola's sniffing and prodding.

Then we swung around to the Starbucks with the drive thru and got two iced venti 7 pump Chais and a New York Times. While collecting my $$, the grrl at the window asked if the pup could have a treat. I said yes and she produced a lid with a shot of whipped cream on it. Nola was liking it more than she had been liking riding in the car in the first place.

Lowes did not have what E wanted, so after we ate, we went over to Homo Depot. We needed some fencing solution for the side with the whacked out white trash lesbo neighbors (go figure) who basically refuse to repair their falling apart fence which allows Sawyer and Nola to go through on occasion requiring us to prop all sorts of things on our side to prevent this making us seem white trashy. The fence is on our property with consent to the previous owner, but as they have a pool, by law it is their responsibility. We asked them last year to repair or replace it to no response.

We got pickets to attach on our side to the existing framing and made sure they extend over the line of their existing pickets just enough to irritate them just a little. I think we will subsequently attach some lattice and vining to the top so we don'y have to see them at all.

While E did the fencing, I went back to Beth's to cut hair and then went looking for a couple of books which I did not find so I just bought them at half.com.

Alias season finale rounds out the weekend nicely this evening.

A new look to stave off gloom and doom

These dots might make me crazy, but I was feeling it time to redecorate. I suppose I could design one myself or ask E for some help with it, but it is not something that matters terribly much.

I think I will tweak this template a bit more and then go get my nails done before retiring to Brasil, the cafe not the country, with my laptop for a late morning snack.

General blah circulating this morning. Day two of getting up in the early morning amd walking the dog a mile. Hate it. But doesn't it make you just feel good? Umm, no.

Well, I accomplished everything I set out to do yesterday.My legs have had there quarterly shave, and I went to Lowes. Then I was off to the Galleria where I parked at the entrance which takes you in through Lord & Taylor. A mistake of course because there were two sweaters, a tank, and a shirt beckoning me near. There was much more I wanted to get and I showed great restraint.

While at the Fossil store for a wallet, I also picked up this. I have been needing a watch for work, and while I preferred a sleek and petite leather banded one, it was not as water resistant, which for work is a necessity. I might go back for that one soon, though. I also got a wallet like this in red.

While down in the Galleria area, I also went by Eatzi's where I had chicken and dumplings for lunch. I also brought a second helping home which I just had today for lunch. Roasted southwest pepper cream cheese and an olive oil boule(bread) were also in my bag. Tres yumm.

Today I have been cleaning the house room by room, and for the most part I am done. I have a little bit of surface cleaning yet to do, mainly my alter which has measurable dust on it, which really is a project in and of itself. I am trying to decide if I like it where it is because I want to hang a few things on the wall over it as part of it, and I want to be sure it is in a reasonably permanent location.

The other side project is to attack my library and neaten things up. I started Friday night with fiction and it is ordered, but still not prettied up.

Saturday morning and I'm home alone. E has gone to the yoga retreat and it just was not calling my name, so here I am, relaxing with the dogs. I think I might shave my legs today and then at some point go get a new tattoo. Or two.

Also on the agenda is the bank, Lowes, and the Fossil store at the Galleria. While at the Galleria, there is also a new tea store I need to scope out.

Have I been shopping too much lately? Perhaps. But not in a dollars-wise way. I think there has been some retail therapy going on, but I am not sure why. Of course, it could just be that I am becoming a grrlygrrl as I approach 40 this year. The signs are all there. I have nails again and I get them done every two weeks as well as get a pedicure. This alone isn't really cause for alarm.

In addition, I have become a purse whore of sorts. I have bought 6 new purses in the last month, and not less than 10 in the past 6 months. For the most part they are cute little bags that are too good a sale to pass up. My reasoning is infallible as the more purses I have to rotate through, the less wear each one will receive, making each an investment which will endure.

Then there is the shoes. While my selection is not over the top grrly, I have bought at least 6 pair already this year and there is an immediate plan for several pair more.

The retail therapy angle applies if it is miscarriage anniversary blues that are encroaching. May 22 marks the day, but I am not convinced this is the case. I have had a general blues malaise recently, but it seems more of a seasonal blah sort of transition.

Maybe I need to give Norah Jones a rest as I realized yesterday that listening to her latest CD makes me very sad. I love the music, but the sadness is definitely lingering much like it is lingering after yoga. I think I will ask Kathryn (my yogi) about this and see what she says.

I think there might be a cafe in my plans today as well.

Norah Jones is stuck in my head. Her song 'The Prettiest Thing' has a lyric that just keeps rolling around in my head.

"Lately I just haven't been myself at all, it's heavy on my mind"

I suppose this sums things up in about as much of a nutshell as there is and I just don't know if there is anything to be done about it or if doing nothing is what is called for and letting life just work itself out as I go along is the rule to live by.

Really this entire cd by Norah is a sort of catalyst for me in one way or another as more songs then not have me off in deep reflection.

So, blogger has a new design...not sure I like it, but you get what you pay for...

Yesterday I had the strangest dream. E and I were visiting Kathryn on vacation. Kathryn is our yogi and she lives here and we have not been to her house, but I am positive it was her we were visiting.

Each morning, I was awakened by kisses from Adrienne while E was lying there next to me propped up on her elbow watching. When we were talking about this at breakfast noone knew who Adrienne was or what I was talking about. It was as if I were not let in on the joke K and E shared.

I am on my way this morning to yoga and I think I will just ask Kathryn who Adrienne is.

What a week of nothingness. Work was slow, and my patience for that is waning. I went this morning to see a couple of cliets at their home and I had a moment to wonder if I am really doing something I *Want* to be doing with my days. I am not really sure what that means as I like doing hair, yes, it is the lack of steady busy-ness that plucks my last nerve.

There really is but one question. Do I want to commit to working enough to get a new car, or do I want to run the current car into the ground and become a housewife eventually with us having but one car. It really is a toss up.

We went last night to the Red Lion for fish and chips which was pretty decent. The cod fillets were huge and one serving was plenty for two to share. Then we went to Slick Willies for our routine Friday night of pool playing and we were able to monopolize the juke box fairly early on.

Today, E and her dad are trying to get the pipes changed out in the bathroom so that the shower project might find completion. Then I think we will head on over to Goode Company for some lunch and then home or elsewhere for some beer drinking. A flute player I know is playing tonight at Vinoteca so maybe we will venture there for a bit.

Blah...blah...blase...

kd lang with the Houston symphony last night...swoooon....

I could have done without the 45 minutes of the symphony opener, but it was smashingly fabulous and I wished it would go on longer. Listening to kd lang is like a drug, and I doubt that I will ever pass up a chance to see her live.

1000 Journals

I had heard about the1000 Journals project some time ago and was intrigued by the idea. In the current P&W magazine, there is a feature about it and I decided this is something I want to do with my blog family and anyone who wants to participate.

I will purchase a fabulous journal and make the first entry. I will then decide who to send it to from there, likely, anyone showing interest and letting me know they want to contribute. It can vere from my list, but I really hope it comes back to me. I will even offer postage to anyone needing it to send it on to the next person.

My hopeful list of participants includes in no particular order:

Rossi
Beth
Laurell
CJ
Chapin
Kristie
Alysha
Bookshop Belle
Happy Cynic
Solbeam
Suzie
Susan
wKen
(all my daily reads obviously!)
as well an anyone on DykeWrite who might be interested. Leave me a note in the comments section here, and then shoot me an email with your address if I don't have it already. I really want to see this project work!!

Second day guacamole from Pappasito's is zippadeedooda zippy!!

I have come to the conclusion, again, that I need to be much more focused about my writing if I am to take myself seriously. I need a good book about MS formatting. If anyone out there in the blobiverse has any recommendations, they would be greatly appreciated. I am off to see what classes might appeal at B + N .com.

I just don't (ever) feel like going to work anymore. That six months as a housewife has ruined me and I might just have to figure out how to regain that status.

Actually there is a psuedo-plan in the works. Once I am consistently making comission, I think I will take outside insurance so I don't need to maintain 35 hours a week. Less hours will also raise my comission, so it is a win/win. The trick is to decide how many hours to work. I am thinking 20-25 maybe, same days, just less each day or drop a day,that is the next question.

My mind is so often heavy with this particular discontent.

Viva Las Vegas!!

We left Wednesday afternoon for Vegas and had a whopping good time. The reason prompting my trip was that my friend Trisha was getting married. She picked us up at the airport Wednesday night and dropped us off at our hotel, the Westward Ho. What a dump it was. But, it was acheap dump, and all in all, not too bad. We gambled some and than shared a $1.49 3/4 pound chili cheese dog, which remarkably did not give either of us heartburn or indigestion.

We gambled a bit more and then went back to our rooom to test out the bed. yes, by more than just sleeping.

We did the hotel breakfast buffet which had a fresh egg station where Keith cooked us up some perfect over-medium eggs to cut up into our hash-browns.Keith is a skinny black man who can sing Motown *and* cook perfect eggs at the same time.

After breakfast we went out to catch the bus down the strip toward the finer casinos. We toured through the Bellagio where I won $76 on a Double Wild Cherry dollar slot. Woo!

The Bellagio is just so damn fine. Much more the atmosphere that E and I should be surrounded by. The pretty people stay there. The old retired mostly less than pretty people stay at the Ho. Of course that made us shining stars there...

Also we saw the Aladdin, as well as the Venetian. Both nice, but not as nice as the Belagio. (Since I am not sure if it is one L or two, I have used both spellings.) We went to the Aladdin because PF Chang's is there, and my friend Michael. an owner/manager at the Chang's I frequent from work gave me a $30 gift certificate for a lovely vacation dinner. We had the Shanghai dumplings, which are more like biscuits than traditional dumplings, as well as crab wontons and then we decided on a new entree, the appropriately-marked-spicy Mango Chicken. Too hot to taste all the flavors, but still not too hot to eat. I doubt we will order that again, but it was still a lovely meal. All that food plus two glasses of wine cost us just ten bucks and some change. I need to figure out which little souvenir I brought back will be for Michael.

The wedding was at the gazebo chapel at the Flamingo. It was a totally pleasant affair and E and I were Trisha's fluffers. If that wasn't an honor helping her get ready as she twittered around her suite in nothing but panties and deoderant. Her hair turned out lovely and her dress was beautiful. It was just a little ironic that the dykes were the ones helping her get ready. Perhaps there is a novel in there somewhere.

Yawn. More later.

What does it mean when you continually feel as if you are missing the obvious? I am not even quite sure that this is what I am indeed missing. But, I do feel like i am somehow coming up short. I have lately had more time to write, but it has not been at all productive. I suppose I have felt in need of a topic or assignment. Something to write *about* more or less. Maybe that means it is time for a class. Maybe that means it is time for something...

Something always seems to be lurking just beyond my mind's grasp. There has been plenty of thinking about writing. Just not much writing. At least I am not obsessing about it. It is what it is.

sunday morning and all is quiet in the house. There was quite a storm last night which completely flooded the front yard and street in less than an hour. This is a sucky thing because the yard man comes on Saturday morning and the driveway was so nice and clean. The up side of it all is that Alonzo will be back and will clean the drive again next Saturday. Even better, we leave on Wednesday for Vegas so we only need to look at the debris for a couple of days and whoosh! it will be gone when we return. Most of the water has receded and it was a healthy drink for all the planting we did last weekend.

We went on Friday night to shoot pool and I have discovered a new shot of choice. It is called a "red-headed slut" and it is equal parts yeager(sp?) and peach schnapps with a splash of cranberry juice...mmm...mmm...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I need to contemplate the importance of officially coming out to my folks. I can appreciate all the arguments for and against, and really there are none against other than my aunt saying they just do not need confirmation. We are planning an official party when we get hitched where families will be invited. E thinks my parents would be hurt to not be included and find out after the fact. I think too, that there is some underlying acknowledgement issue going on. I really believe my folks know, so it just seems odd to have to announce it to them because there is a small what if they don't know in the back of my mind.

I don't think that there will be even a ripple regardless of what they think about it as we are not an intimate family. I do think, however, that they should have the opportunity to buy us a gift. The question becomes do I tell them or just send them an invitation?

What a day yesterday was. It began with a dentist appointment with a new dentist to readhere a crown that came loose. It just couldn't be that easy. I have to go back next Tuesday for a temporary and on the 28th for the final. $700 is my share. And the dude is off for two weeks to where? France! Fucker...actually, the real fucker is my dentist whose office is closed this week for spring break. I might have been able to negotiate the fee lower since her original work did not hold up. So, now I have a new dentist.

Then, I went to Empire Cafe and worked on some writing for a couple of hours while I waited for E to get done work and join me for a late lunch. Always good food at Empire. We left there before 3 and the traffic on the ride home was so bad that I had to delay copying EP so we did not get it out last night. It will be available on Saturday.

I had told two households that I would do home cuts for them and was at one house at 5 and the next at 630. During that, Beth called and I told her yes we would be at lesbian happy hour, but that we would not get there til after 8. It was good to see some friends again.

While at the second house of cuts, My friend Lori told be about a performance at the Rhythm Room last night that she thought would be enjoyable. Bitch and Animalwere great fun and I strongly recommend you look toat their tour schedule to see if they will be in your area.

Home late.
Up late this morning.
Yoga sacrificed.
Nasty consequence.

I hate it when dreams are potentially shattered. It is just the most annoying thing. I did a little web seeking this morning and it is near impossible to get a work visa to work and live in France. This does not mean it can't happen, just that it will be more difficult and, sigh, might need some earnest planning. I hate it when things can't just *happen*.

This could present as the possibility that we are meant to live in a country other than France, but with easy access. Who knows. Just makes a goddess garden type business here more appealing. Of course, that still means a lot of *work*.

What a mood I was in at work the last two days. My patience was in shirt supply if not non-existent. I took my lunch break at 5 and went over to PF Chang's for a bowl of won ton soup. As usual, it was tres yummmm. My fortune cookie read "A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains."

The universe speaks.

i still have not a single clue about why that sadness chose that particular day to surface, but it seems rather manageable. I suppose it is distracting me a little, to be truthful, but it is at least not overwhelming. I really hate it when that happens and I have little choice but to shut down. That has not happened in a long time.


Books to organize.

Laundry to purge.

I shed some tears today. I am still not clear about exactly why, other than I felt a profound sadness. I was sitting in yoga class this morning as we were getting ready to begin our meditation and Kathryn brought up something in the news today which reinforced for her how she benefits from intentionally avoiding papers and tv news. This thought morphed into a remembrance of 9/11 and if I was following her, how a million other good things were happening on this planet and how sad that many of those other things went totally unnoticed.

One of those other things is my birthday. I had an overwhelming urge to just retreat into the bathroom and bawl. I was able to stave off the tears, mostly, with just a few trickling down my cheek. I sat through class thinking of how I feel forever 37, as if that was the last year 9/11 would be my birthday.

Profound sadness.

On the ride to work, I had a discussion in my head with myself reasoning back and forth over if I was forever 36, or forever 37. I am still not sure why 37 won, other than perhaps the fact of waking that morning knowing it was my birthday before tragedy altered this. I spent a good portion of the day at work trying to discern exactly what the sadness was directly connected to. When I thought about it for a few moments I would feel tears welling up once again, and then I would return to following my breath, inhaling "peace"...2...3...4...5...6...holding...exhaling "Iam"...2...3...4...5...6...

There is still some residual sadness lurking around.

I feel as if this is not an aging crisis as I am perfectly content in my life. Life is good. I am so very happy. All will be revealed as it is supposed to be.