Wednesday, July 30, 2003

It was well after 2 am when I finally went to sleep last night, so I opted to sleep in this morning rather than go to Galveston. Seems that the funk is lifting some, too, so I can't say that was a bad thing. Actually, for slugging, I was still up at 8:30, way too early.

I have sent out an email to a few friends to inite them to join us for dinner. It is rather last minute, but it will be interesting to see if anyone can make it. We used to meet with friends weekly. When I first moved here, I wanted to meet more lesbians, so I created the Gossiping Goddesses. It was actually just an open invitation to a list I was on, and whoever joined us, joined us. I would like to start doing something similar again, getting out to be social. Something deliberate and substantial. Maybe


Tuesday, July 29, 2003

The first meeting of the writing group was last night and it feels as if we did not accomplish much, but sometimes the accomplishment is merely getting out there for the actual meeting. J and T were there and we blabbed for nearly two hours. We will be meeting next Monday again to hear a mystery writer's ideas about writing and getting published and how the net has changed that some. It will be interesting to see where this group goes and how it evolves. I forwarded a link to some guidelines for beginning such a group and there are a lot of ideas to build upon.

I did not get sleepy last night until after midnight, and I knew I would have to get up to take E to work at 6:30 this morning. My ass would have been just as content to stay in bed all day. I wish I knew what was at the base of this funk. I feel as if I am at a point where I maybe should not give in to the desire to stay in bed and be a slugg, though I also appreciate how that quite often remedies the situation. The difference this time is feeling as if I should not give in to it. Since I needed the car to see a client today at 1, I decided there was no giving in, and I also hauled my ass to yoga this morning. Today was the first time I just did not want to go. I told my yogi this, and she suggested we discuss it a little further via email, so I will zip her a note this afternoon, and I might even go to class again tonight with my girlfriend.

I have been reluctant to make a decision about returning to work, because I really would prefer remaining a housewife. My unemployment will run out sometime in September, and I have been waffling on my choices for returning to work part time. The top three contenders are going back to JC Penney as a stylist, Starbucks, and Barnes and Noble.

JCP is a good choice because I really like the manager I would be working for, and she really likes me. It is, in a way, the known evil. She will be glad to have me, and she will welcome me on any terms. I will enjoy working with her, but the benefits are not really available part time, and if I were to need to be full time, I would rather be elsewhere.

B&N and Starbucks are both mindless work, in my opinion, the latter being less so. Both, as far as I have been able to discern, offer benefits at 20 hours a week, and both have locations closer to home than JCP, but they are definitely both an unknown evil.

Part of me also recognizes that I am certainly able to work full time, and could contribute more to our household financially if I did so, mostly the contribution going toward vacation and quality of life expenses. This said, should I then use Workforce Commission resources to find that better pay, full time job?

This funk has little to do with any of the above. At least I think it has little to do with it, of course I cannot really identify what it is all about, so who knows.

I find myself wishing the beach was nearer, than the hour drive it is. Maybe this means I should just drag my ass out of bed in the morning and take E to work and head off to Galveston bright and early. I know the sun and sea will be restorative. I also know I might not resist the urge to slugg, so I will not committ to anything difinitive. That seems so appropriately typical today.

Monday, July 28, 2003

Miss Nola thinks she can better type my post right now. Oh, nevermind, she has just burrowed back under the covers. Thought she was missing something, I guess.

In truth, perhaps she could give me a better voice right now than I can give myself. I am just somewhat off my game. I am not doing poorly, I am functional. I was able to be decisive and stop at the kolache drive through on the way home from taking my girlfriend to work, and once there, even knew what I wanted. It feels like a misnomer to call this minifunk depression, but after the big one, I can now recognize it as it settles in. It seems to me that noticing and acknowledging it make it somehow less. Almost as if a rational process takes over. I suppose if I was truly rational about it, I would seek professional help for it, but I have an innate fear of medicating in general, so this is avoided.

The first thing I notice is that I have gotten angry, or better, irritated, with my girlfriend. I can then trace backwards to the first thing that irritated me, and then I know that the depression is visiting. Still, there is really no rationale. I do not know that depression needs a reason, but it would certainly help my understanding and dealing with it. I just know that i am usually not ever put out with her, and when I notice that I am, there is really something else going on.

I will have to see if there are any books on depression and meditation during, or yoga for, at the yoga center at class tomorrow. If not, perhaps I will head on over to B&N to do a little browsing.

Tonight is the first meeting of a lesbian writer's group I will be part of. I think there will be four of us meeting at one of the libraries to discuss what it is we would like to get from the group. I am excited about being there from the beginning, and about doing something tangible. Real. We will also discuss how often we want to meet as well as other possible places.

Also need to get some film developed today and pick up some Oxyclean at Costco. I am hoping it will fix my white t-shirts. I did a white load last week, washed and dried, and the t-shirts look as if tea has been spilled on them. Someone suggested that the Oxyclean might work, so I am willing to give it a try.

I still need to plant those Cannas, too...

Sunday, July 27, 2003

It sucks to be in the midst of a dark moment and have no clue why it has chosen to arise. I feel as if the sun has just been eclipsed by the moon, and no one warned that this would transpire. These things are scheduled. Someone should have warned me. It is not a lengthy eclipse, and I really do hate the feeling, but I can appreciate being aware of it. I suppose it has been creeping up for a day or two. Maybe I am just ovulating...

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Today was somewhat productive. I got up and finished some cleaning, then around noontime, K and her son (B) came over and we did some outside sprucing up. One of my little projects was to pry up some bricks that have been in residence over on the side yard for a while. I am going to make a small raised bed and plant some Cannas that K removed from her yard. They are 5-6 feet tall, and will make a nicer view out the kitchen window than the bare old wood fence.

We are eventually going to have that portion of the yard as part of the deck, but it will be a long while before that is done. I decided about a month ago that I will take on the project of making that side of the house more user friendly. It is currently little more than a storage alleyway with dirt under foot. It is where the water hose access is, as well as the side gate yard access where the trash comes in and out. There are remnants of a bed there already on the house side, and roughly 7 feet between the house and the fence. There is also a huge pecan tree there whose root system makes a smooth pathway less than attainable.

I am going to have a 2 foot bed along either side, and then do a path of some sort of pavers from the gate along to the back patio. I cannot just take on the entire poject at once, but i can begn by getting this bed in and then getting the pavers here and there as i can afford them. I have also considered seeing if there is a brick slavage place here in Houston to see if I might find a better deal for materials. It will give me something to do, and make our home more functional.

I hope the Cannas survive the transplanting and look as good tomorrow evening as they do sitting in their bags and propped in place today.

Friday, July 25, 2003

Just in from an evening of mindless entertainment at Dave & Buster's. Gotta love that place. What else could adequately take the place of going to see Lara Croft on her opening night? The megaplex we favor is no fun on a weekend night...way too crowded, so I opted to postpone my date with Lara for a few days in favor of D&B.

I played some Chips Away and just blindly added the tickets I won to my power card. I do not think I have actually redeemed any points the past few times I have been there, and I had planned to pick up a rice cooker and a spice grinder tonight, but they were out of them. Instead, I opted to pick up some stuffed toys for Miss Nola.

I brought home Big Bird, Elmo, and Cookie Monster. They had Ernie as well, but you just can not get Ernie if they don't have Bert. That is just wrong. I told the counter manager as much and he was just not following. I tried to explain to him that Ernie and Bert are a duo. A pair. I told him it is just wrong that they have Ernie and not Bert. They are a couple, I finally said.

Then I told him I was shocked that D&B was so homophobic and that they should not so blatantly discriminate.

He still had no clue.
I went to visit Conan yesterday. Conan is a chocolate colored, three year old Chihuahua who is currently residing at Special Pals, the shelter where I adopted Nola. He is a pretty sick pup, and is currently in the middle of his heartworm treatment. He is not handling it well at all, but I am glad he is at least getting treatment. He also has a nasty ear infection.

I went out to visit him, and sit with him for a while, and it is so annoying that I cannot pre-adopt him. I understand all the reasons why, and I understand that they need to insure his treatment is thorough, but it is somewhat unnerving that I consider him to be ours already, and in reality, someone else could scoop him up once he is eligible for adoption. I will have to just sit vigilantly, waiting for that day.

Last night, we went to the 7 pm yoga class, and I learned I really prefer the intimacy of the much smaller daytime class. After yoga it was off to Empire Cafe for some pizza and visiting with my girlfriend's sister K. She and her son are coming by tomorrow which means sprinkler play...yippee!

The dogs are currently resting, and the plants have all been fertilized. Next on my Friday agenda is bathing the dogs. One of them is not going to like it at all and I think I will wait for the teenager's help.

I also made a batch of Snicker's ice cream for my hair stylist, D, who I used to work with and who will never let me pay her. I saw her yesterday, finally , for a new 'do, and asked her what her favorite candy bar is so I could bring her a surprise. She would not answer, but said anything with chocolate and nuts will do. I hope she does not share the loot with her coworkers. She might give them a taste, but I think she will enjoy it enough to want to take it home. It came out most delicious.

Are you bored yet?

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Last night I had a moment. Or something. I am not really sure what it was all about, but it was bizarre and I just did not like the feeling. I have been trying to replay my day to see if something specific might have brought it on.

I got up in the morning and took my girlfriend to work so I could use her car. Nothing different in that. Yoga began again after a month long hiatus, and it was a fairly low key class. I figure that the class itself might have contributed to my general feeling of tiredness, maybe.

After yoga, I went and had a cup of my favorite soup at Eatzi's, and the following is from my notebook while there:

"It's 11:30, 95+ degrees, and I am sitting outside at Eatzi's eating hot soup. I'd say something's wrong with this picture, but I am actually feeling quite content. Chicken and dumpling soup with a rosemary and garlic baguette; what else is there?

A table of coworkers to my right...the men all very mannerly letting the women sit first leaves the men having to find a seperate table, only for Barbie to declare it too hot to stay outside. Nonsense...

I wore my glasses all weekend, since Thursday, really, and walked out today without my sunglasses. Sigh."

So all in all, it was a pretty tame day. After lunch, I went on to Whole Foods and got some groceries for dinner. I decided I would make a cold pasta salad using farfalle, olive oil, cilantro, toasted pine nuts, halved grape tomatoes, fresh onion and garlic, and some salt and pepper. I was thinking of a salad I have had before at Eatzi's, and decided to add some black currants to the mix. It was delightful and a success with the girlfriend, as is most everything I cook for us. With the pasta salad, I wanted something light, I got two ears of white corn and some baby carrots which I roasted covered on the grill with some seasoning and olive oil. We have veggies done this way quite often now and they always come out deliciously sweet.

We have been discussing the benefit of incorporating some fish into our diet, so I took the plunge. I was raised in upstate NY and quite often had trout fresh from the river, so I am somewhat spoiled when I think of how I want my fish. I told this to the fish monger at Whole Foods, and he suggested something light, the tilapia(sp?). I seasoned it with a seafood herb mix I have, and some salt and pepper, and then I pan-fried it in a little bit of olive oil. Heavenly.

We thoroughly enjoyed dinner, then E went off to yoga. about a hour later, I had a nauseating hot flash overtake me. I went to lower the a/c, and then laid under the fan and a/c vent at the bottom of the bed. It was a bizarre feeling. I felt a little tired, or weakened, perhaps, but the minute i was naked under the cool air, eyes closed, I could discern a difference and felt fine. Before laying there, I felt as if I might instantly fall asleep, but once I was laying there with my eyes closed, I felt alert and my mind was racing over all the things I have been wanting to accomplish lately. I can only fully describe it by saying it was an out-of-body experience, like I was watching myself lay there thinking things through.

This continued most of the night. I remained at the end of the bed until E came to bed, and then still remained naked and cover free most of the night. I woke from sleep several times, each time noting that it was still night time, and each time recalling or experiencing the sme feeling of witnessing what was happening to me from elsewhere.


Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Who rings a stranger's doorbell at 8:30 in the morning and asks. "Maybe you can help me, I am looking for the Darren Hewitt residence.", I can't!

Monday, July 21, 2003

Parents can be such a challenge. I just spoke to my mom for about half an hour. She has been staying at her ill sister's house for most of the last year with a few short trips home to catch up with her little world. She is currently home for about a month, and I have to basically ask her yes and no questions because she does not want to share too much information while my dad can overhear. Her code is so unnecessary, as my dad really could not care less. He sometimes does the same thing though, so it is really quite comical.

Sometimes I just wish that they would admit how much happier they both are apart, and realize that their baby, umm, me, is nearly 39, and will not be crushed should they make the seperate lives a permanent solution.

I went to cut hair for some clients/friends tonight and made a few extra bucks, so that was nice. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a nice day, and after yoga I can find the farmer's market Paul told me about. If I can, and if they have some good pickings, I might stop by Whole Foods and get some fish for dinner. Maybe I will do fish regardless of what I find to supplement it. After eating vegetarian all weekend, I am trying to keep it light. We'll see how long that lasts.
Yes! It is possible to bake on the grill!!

I just baked a snack cake from a mix in a foil pan on the grill. I bought a pizza stone and put it over the grate. I thought it would moderate the heat so the cake would not burn from being over the direct flame. Dingx3! I get a star. The cake is a chocolate chocolate chip snack cake and it is moist and the chips are creamy. I see the possibilities rambling on...cookies...corn bread...breads!!!

Tres yummy!
I am just back from picking up the pups from the boarding house. Nola and Sawyer were extremely happy to see me and are both happy to be home. They are running around like the psycho animals that they are, and it makes me wonder what in the world is possessing me to think we should add Conan to the mix. A third dog might just be too much, but he is so small, I can't imagine that he will make things any more challenging than they already are.

It was weird coming home yesterday and not having them here. I enjoyed the peace while it lasted, and it was certainly nice to be intimate with my girlfriend and not have to push Nola out of the way or look to see her watching. Sawyer has already decided on his own that when the humans are doing it, he would rather move out to the couch. Nola does not yet realize that she is not going to miss anything.

The owner of the boarding house said that Nola barks at everything, to which I replied "Duh," and Sawyer shredded every towel she gave him to lay with. That was also a duh, but we have not had to crate him in a while, so I did not have it on my mind to tell her he does not deserve a towel in his crate. She wrote it on his card for next time, so she has his number.

I thnk they will be regulars there now, and when we go to NYC in October, or wherever else we end up going, they will be back to see her. We were really impressed with the time she took to meet them when we dropped them off, too, so it was a good experience.

Over the weekend, I read Immaculate Midnight by Ellen Hart, and In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner. I enjoyed both books, but wished they had stretched out just a little longer. I am going to begin The Woman Who Found Grace by Bett Reece Johnson sometime today. Her books take me a little while to get into, so I read her slower, and expect I might be on this book for a week. Maybe. I really should have let Harry Potter stretch out a little longer than three days, because I am sure it will be more than a year before we see or hear of the next one in the series.

There isn't really much else going on at the moment. I really wanted to take care of getting my car back on the road, and it seems there is an issue with either the fuel pump or maybe the battery or some fuses. Regardless of what it is, I do not have the extra cash for anything repair wise, and it will just have to sit and wait. Before I do that I need to mail off the check for renewing my hair license so I can return to the salon at JC Penney, if I ever really make up my mind about where I want to return to work. Also, yoga begins again this week, so I am looking forward to regaining that balance.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

While we were at MAC, the kids were all very well behaved. As I have already mentioned, their ages ranged from 4-11, one boy 9, the other three were girls. They played well together, running around the grounds with relative freedom as we were in the country on 40 acres of land. At one point, E overheard the oldest girl say to the 6 year old girl "You get to be president of the lesbian club!"

The 6 year old's mom (R) also heard this, and privately mentioned it to the 11 year old's mom (K). Seems R wanted K to discuss this as being inappropriate with her daughter. She was very concerned. K wanted to know what the big deal was and was it really a bad thing? R kept saying that the problem was it was done secretly.

K was telling E and me about this when we were cleaning up in the kitchen. E said that she had actually overheard the kids playing, and the word lesbian loud and clear, so she did not think anything secretive was going on. K still wanted to know what the big deal was.

We decided that R might actually be one of those married lesbians. One who is afraid her husband might find out. She really had a way of being annoying without even opening her mouth.
I just got back from an unplugged weekend and it was something next to divine. My girlfriend went with me out to Margaret Austin Center (MAC). It is a spiritual retreat center about an hour from Houston, in Chapel Hill, TX. They were holding an open house and the weekend was the ultimate relaxation experience.

I went to a retreat at MAC in February and thoroughly enjoyed myself, so when Kathryn, my yogi mentioned the open house, I was certain I would be attending, and I was pretty sure my girlfriend would want to go as well. I volunteered to bake cookies with the under 4-11 set, and that was an enjoyable experience, too.

There were two yoga sessions on Saturday, and free dance was scheduled both Friday and Saturday evenings, as well as several different meditation sessions. I just like the entire experience of the energy this place has to offer, and just being there is its own reward.

There was talk of another open house in December, possibly, and my girlfriend and I have begun scheming to do an Emerald Pillows anniversary weekend in March '04.

The wheels are in motion.

We ate completely vegetarian this weekend and everything was delicious. On Friday night we had stuffed zucchini which was quite enjoyable, served with a green salad and bread. For breakfast Saturday, there was granola, yogurt, and bananas, and for lunch Saturday, a cold pureed vegetable soup, a rice and black bean with corn salad, with tossed green salad once again and fresh made corn muffins with cranberries added. We also cut up a watermelon for a lunchtime desert. Dinner on Saturday was a Mexican fusion style meal of mole, tortillas, a tomato, avocado and cheese salad, some rice with pumpkin seeds and cilantro, some chalupas, and a second poblano sauce. Also, a drink called Jamaica was served which is brewed and sweetened hibiscus flowers. I missed breakfast on Sunday morning, but managed to have the leftover cookie dough from my baking time with the kids, chef's priveledge...

I think we will also be going out there to cut some bamboo for the fence we are thinking of making to define the front corner of our property. There is plenty growing wild out there, and it needs constant thinning out. E has also proposed taking on the project of defining the path through the woods to the creek, which in itself is a several weekend undertaking.

I had intended on using the weekend for writing and organization of writing, but it was equally beneficial to just use it to recharge.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Gary the Rat and Stripperella...I have just watched the end of Gary the Rat, and the beginning of Striperella and I might be hooked. Too soon to say, really, but there is something appealing to the level of mindlessness that "the first network for men" has stooped to. Perhaps it is just the guy's are lesser quality of it all. I will have to watch at least a few more episodes to decide if these two shows are worthy of my time or not. So far, I have to admit to liking them both.

I found out some t-shirt info, but not enough for what I need to research. Also, decided to wait and go to the store in the morning. The weekendis here, and slugg time is in effect. Three days on retreat will be nice. I am not sure if I will be able to post from there or not. I could last time I went, but you never know how it will go, and I never really know how "unplugged" I want to be until I get there. Actually, now that I think about it, I could use my laptop there, but not connect to the net, so I will not be able to post.


Why do busy, unproductive days always make me feel as if I really *have* accomplished something? I got up this morning and took my gf to work, then I went to meet up with a friend who needed some help moving supplies for a seminar she is conducting over the weekend. I dropped her ar her hair appointment, and then I finished the distribution for Emerald Pillows. I even had lunch at Cafe Artiste, and got a cookie at The Chocolate Bar for dessert.

The one thing I did not do, was any constructive work writing. I also have a few other things to accomplish tonight. I am going on a weekend retreat of sorts, and will be baking cookies with a group of kids who will be present, so I need to haul together the recipes and ingrediants for this. I also need to further research tee shirt wholesalers and printers for a side project I have slacked off on a little. Oh, and I need to pack, which includes going by Target for sunscreen and bugspray.

At least now I have a list.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

I do not think I feel like tweaking much of anything here today...maybe later. I have to get Emerald Pillows printed, folded, and stapled before this evening, and the final edits are just now being done by the graphics department...nothing like being on the fly. If timme permits, I might also go visit Conan at the shelter today...he has about 5 more weeks of heartworm treatment before he is adoptable, and I still have not had a final ok from my gf to snatch him up. I think it would be an ok thing, but I do want her blessing first. I can still go visit him, though!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Trying to customize. Comments are not showing up, or perhaps I am just being impatient. ~~SIGH~~
I have been listening to a Shawn Colvin song a lot recently. Another Plane Went Down is off her most recent cd and it draws me to another place. Sometimes the place is my night dreams, sometimes my day dreams. Sometimes it is a place i have never seen, and quite often a place i know with my eyes closed.

There is a line in the chorus, "So many other dreams...", and it has inspired me enough to give it its own blog. Lyrics follow...

Another Plane Went Down by Shawn Colvin

Another plane went down today in the
Atlantic nine miles off shore
And every single black car that goes by just
Might be yours
I haven't moved from this spot I sit here
Watching TV in bed
I wanna see if the crash was sabotage
I wanna know if everyone is dead

I remember when I was fifteen me and Liz
Would ride around
We liked to smoke in the car in the winter
With all the windows rolled down
I had a dream a plane exploded over my lake
One afternoon
I still remember the feeling when I woke up
I can't describe the magnitude

So many other dreams
The one that I had today
You and the Italian woman naked
Your fingers between her legs
She lay like a body in the water
She barely made a sound
She fell as quiet, as quiet, as a leaf falling
To the ground

Meanwhile back on earth I told you to
Fuck off and go away
I've gotta call my friend who moved from
New York to LA
Five days before Christmas last year his
Girlfriend died in a plane crash
He says the way that it happens is your heart
Is so heavy it rips away upon impact
And then you just bleed inside
You don't even feel a thing
They found her on a hill in Colombia
Intact among the debris

So many other dreams
The ones where I'm on death row
The ones where I don't know why
The ones where my parents drove
I wish I was with you now
Down at a Sixth Street bar
Laughing at the singer
Smoking in the car