Why?

I know there is no answer other than "because", but I still find myself asking the question.

I had a much too long conversation today with my wasband, at much too high an emotional volume, and it leaves me feeling as if there has been no progress made in my personal evolution. I still am capable of feeling hatred toward him. Had we been in the same room having this conversation, I would have struck him with a forcefull blow from my open hand across his face.

I am glad we were not in the same room, but is the intent a strain on my karma?

I sent a folder of pics home with my son and in the folder was also a letter he had written me years ago. Whether it was before or after his affair, I am uncertain, but it had expressed a sentiment that to me, was a lie for more than the time of his fidelity. He just does not get that his affair negated everything.

The hurt and pain he caused me was as raw today as when it was a fresh wound.

I made an effort in my head to discuss this with E at dinner, and I just could not do it. I could not vocalize the pain and hurt that still lie dormant(or not so) within my soul from what that man did to me. Is it that he makes me feel vulnerable? Inadequate? Something less?

I just don't know where this comes from when it hits me and it really is irritating.

He was so pissed off that I sent that letter back to him and he had the nerve to question my motives in doing so.

That really pissed me off. Why does he think he has the right to question anything I do or say? His argument was that I could have quite simply thrown it away. I told him no, I needed to purge his energy from my life and my living space, and that frankly, it was easier to leave it in a folder that was going to him then to walk it over to the trash. He just did not grasp the whole I need to exorcise his energy thing. And, I made it clear that just as easily, he could have just thrown it away upon discovery. Why am I to make the noble sacrifice but not him? Fucking double standard.

I went on to explain to him that this is why I am so hot to get a new car. Don't I know that the Jeep has easily another 100k miles before it dies? Don't I like not having a car payment?

Of course I know these things.

I also know that it is making me crazy, FUCKING CRAZY, to walk out the door each day and get into his car!

I am not sure all the meditating and yoga in the world can do anything to reverse the strain on my sanity. I might go tomorrow to the VW showroom. Of course that brings up a whole new can of worms. Like the doubt that at nearly fucking 40 I can get approved for a car on my own.

S
I
G
H

Fuck.